Ivan's Memoir

With You Right Behind Me

            Slowly my hands began to feel like concrete and the world looked so grey, yet the sun is shined so brightly.  I usually saw someone walking towards me, and ask me what’s wrong. I looked at them for a while before I responded with, “I’m fine.”  This is what I used to constantly go through when my depression was worse.  It was not until I had met you Savannah, my closest friend that made me change.  You had taught me a very important lesson and had got me to answer the question “What’s wrong?” with a different answer.

            When I first was diagnosed with depression, the counselors measured it as severe.  The affects were dramatic: loss of sleep, not being tired, or being too tired, hopelessness and more.  Throughout my freshman year, I had a major support system and a lot of friends that dedicated their time to listening to me, just like you do now. However, I refused their help.  As time passed, all my friends stopped trying to help me, except for one.  She had tried to talk to me and had tried to get me out of that ditch I was in.  Although she meant well, I pushed her away same as you and I had no support system anymore.  The next year however, is when you came into my life and changed everything.

            At the beginning of my third year in depression (junior year), I met you at our scholarship retreat.  I remember you had long blonde hair, and that you are tall.  We did not talk at all, but it made no difference because when I went home I checked my Facebook and I saw your friend request.  At first I was shy in talking to you, you were so out going and so social I did not know how I would react with you, but I was glad to know that I made a new friend that day.  It was so great talking to you, and it amazes me just how close we got; you are so funny and just so great to talk to because you are different than everyone else I know.  You are not afraid to tell things as they are, and she was a very intelligent person.  My trust in you was and still is, so much different compared to other friends.  As soon as we started talking, we knew things about each other, favorite music, food, general things but there was one event that had really built our trust.  Remember when you were hospitalized and I had no idea until I called? Well I do, I remember calling you everyday because I knew you wanted someone to talk to. 

            I knew you had no idea that I was depressed nor did you know how long I had it.  That all changed one day when we were talking on the phone I had gotten into my moods, my other friends really did not know that my voice changes nor did they really care at that point, but you noticed that, you knew I was not my usual self that day and you asked if I was ok, I replied coldly to you that I was ok.  You noticed my voice change when I was depressed, and I noticed the suspicion in your voice, but you let it go.  I had hoped that you just let it go and never bring it up but you did.

            “If you ever need something, don’t hesitate to ask me or talk to me, we’re best friends”. 

“Ok.” I said.

            You noticed again that something was wrong, and yet you asked again when I did not give a good answer last time, “What’s wrong, Ivan?” 

“Nothing, I’m fine.”  I responded in a cold voice.

“Well I’m going to hang up and you can call me when you realize that you can’t handle everything on your own” I never heard you that angry.

             In the back of my mind I told myself that I did not need your help or anyone else’s help.  My dad had always told me that a man cannot accept anyone’s help and that he has to get over or through his problems on his own.  A few weeks went by and to be honest I felt fine; I went out with friends and I spent time with my family.  I did not think of our argument all that time.  After going out with my friends, I was in my room.  I was relaxed and very satisfied with that day. I decided to text you because we had not talked since me and you had that argument.

             I did not expect you to remember that, but you did.  I remember what you said and what you did:

“Is there something you want to tell me first?” when I replied no I was surprised that you did not respond back to me, was it really that bad? 

            I was shocked to find that you were still upset with me about that, but I shrugged it off because I thought if I gave it another couple of weeks you would forget about it.  Just then however, I had fallen into another depressive episode but I assumed it was nothing major and that by tomorrow I would be feeling better.  About three days had passed and I began to feel very weak; I was tired I could not seem to get enough sleep because I was constantly waking up. I was restless; I could not manage to get enough sleep and therefore I got very irritated.  I was not eating; I would really only drink water and then head back to my room, without food and just lay in bed.  It was taking a toll on me. When I usually had my depressive episodes it was just minor loss of interest; I could not do what I liked to do, I found no more joy in writing poems, or puzzles.  I would usually lose hope, I thought that things would never get better and I did not care what I say to people because I just wanted to be left alone.  However, this episode was different because I felt like I had no energy from my sleepless nights. I just wanted to sleep; not being able to sleep good and constantly being depressed took a toll on my health. It felt as if my body was concrete, I could not do anything anymore. I did not care what happened to me, I no longer felt as if I were needed in this world, my major thought was:

            “If I am going to be like this for the rest of my life…what’s the point of being here putting everyone down?”

             I knew I had to talk to you about it because the amount of trust I have in you does not compare to any of my other friends.              Calling you that night was extremely hard, I could not pick up the phone as much as I wanted to.  Calling you was the biggest challenge because I had no idea what you would say, that episode left very pessimistic about everything, I did not even know if you were willing to pick up the phone.  The hardest part, however, was asking “[If] it [is] ok if I talk to you about something?”  I found it so hard simply because of how I was brought up.  All my fears were untrue, I picked up the phone, I called you and you answered to my surprise.  Most importantly, I was able to ask you that question and your response was relief to me.

             Instead of the anger and annoyance I expected, you responded with the upmost care.   “You know you can always come to me for anything.”

            From then on, I opened up to you, I told you the things I never told anyone else. I had told you everything that had happened with me, from when I was diagnosed with depression to now and how I felt about asking for help.  After telling you everything that had happened, I finally told you about what was actually bothering me, but when you replied, I realized that you did not judge me nor did you get angry with me.

            You simply told me, “I know it’s hard Ivan, it’s not going to be better unless you say it’ll be better, you have the power to change it and I’m here to make sure you do.” 

            I felt such a great surge of relief when you told me that, I always thought you would see me the same as everyone else, abnormal.  You did not though, and that made it even more okay with me to open up to you.

            After that night talking to you, I started feeling better and began laughing.  It felt as if a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders.  The entire time I was depressed, I felt as if I was a tunnel, and I could not seem to find the beginning or end of that tunnel.  However, you helped me see the end of that long tunnel.  I was so relieved to know that you were so forgiving after my behavior the weeks before, I was glad to know that you understood just what exactly I was going through.  This is what made you different from my other friends, you know what I am going through and you do not try to cover anything up, you told me what I needed to hear instead of what I would want to hear.  YOU made my depression better from that moment on.  I was analyzed by my counselor again to see how I was, and my depression went from severe to moderately low, thanks to you. 

            You made me realize that I do not need to do everything on my own and that if I ask for help or take it, I will not be thought of less.  I went from going through major depressive episodes to having small minor depressive episodes because I accepted your help.  Before, my episodes revolved around hopelessness, how I thought nothing will get better, that no matter what I do, nothing will change.  After I talked to you and started venting to you, I no longer felt that way.  Life has gotten so much better because of you and I have started to think that everything can change for the better if I simply accept the fact that I will not be able to everything on my own.  Even though my episodes are now very minor and manageable, you are still there when I need you and you reassure me that the way I feel then does not mean I will feel that way for the rest of my life.  Savannah, my closest and dearest friend, you have helped me more than you know in recovering from this depression.